Today is my appointment with the Thyroid specialist. I feel nervous and hopeful and very sure that no matter what happens I will not allow myself to be condescended to. Hah! And if he is condescending to me, what shall I do? How will I respond?

I can be condescending. I makes my skin crawl. It is one of my most embarrassing qualities. It comes our as nicey, nicey... it's hard to explain. Here is an example - one of my neighbors is a very famous German actor. Over the past 5 years or so he had been getting bigger and bigger roles - leading man roles - in big Hollywood movies. I ran into him in the lift one day and said "I've noticed you've been doing a lot of big movies lately! That's so great for you". What the fuck?!? It came out like I was talking to a little boy who was wearing his big boy pants. So embarrassing! I have no idea why I do this. One theory is that I see myself as incapable and unworthy of big, important work so I speak to others as I speak to myself.

Another example is a pattern I got into with a very dear and now estranged friend who once described me as her Fairy God Mother. She was in deep emotional and financial pain for many years and I was always there for her, like a Fairy God Mother. The problem was that I never released that role. Even after she had healed and had kids and didn't need me to be that for her anymore. I can see now that by continuing to insist on paying for things that were easier for me to afford at the time, refusing to let her and her husband pay, the message I was sending was condescending. At one time she was working on starting a business making belts and purses. When she showed me her pieces my response was cringe worthy - "did you make these? Oh my God! They're amaaaazing!" - my eyes shining like I was speaking to a five year old who'd just baked her first cookies. Ew.

All this is to say that I know a thing or two about being condescending. The work is now to dig gently into why, to find compassion and understanding for myself and pass it on to anyone who is suffering from the same condition. And it is suffering - to look upon our own behavior and cringe with shame and embarrassment, knowing that we had been doing these things long before we even noticed.