I seem to have woken up ready to become annoyed. Little things, one after another, pissing me off. Blaming, processing, releasing blame, seeing my part - then the next thing. Small things like leaving his lap top on my desk. In the exact spot where I sit to start my day, my creative process. So becoming another “thing” I have to do before I can begin. To bigger things like turning the heating down for the 70 millionth time although I ask him not to, explain that if he must then please tell me, so I know, you know?
I am a clenched, annoyed person this morning. Every thought pissing me off. What is going on? I have bursts of movement when I feel that I am truly breaking through, really getting somewhere only to become stuck again. Stuck as in feeling that my brain has a dam in it that is blocking flow, stopping thought. Stuck as in fucking tired. Always with the tired. I want to wake up so early (4am), but it leaves me with not enough hours of sleep.
Do not neglect yourself. There is the block. How can you give when you are not giving to yourself? How can you create abundantly? Love, live, and give abundantly when you are depleted? When you consistently operate from a dry well?
Right, but, you know, how’s about the time situation? Where is all this time supposed to come from?
Be the change you want to see. Inspire others to do the same.
What is it that brought me here? Why did my soul lead me so surely to Germany? What is in within Berlin that fought to have me here? What is it about this city that fills me with the deep knowing that I am home?
How I long to travel, to visit friends, attend retreats and holy places. To follow my heart where she longs. Far and away and home again. I no longer want to live in lack. There is no need for it. I no longer want to live as a victim of this and that and can’t. I no longer want to live as a victim at all. The Victim is a persona, a way of living that was presented to me as the only way. I see and experience more and more evidence to the contrary. I am awake and I intend to not only stay awake but to continue walking the path of awakening with every breath.
My heart longs to sing, to write, to be in flow. To feel that magic when the words and expression, the melody, rhythm and emotion all come together as one, igniting wonder – a song. I long to be in this, this very magic, every single day. I long to collect this magic in recording and share it with the people of the world. With all and everything. I long to touch and heal and love with my whole heart, through my voice, with our songs.
I long to write and tour and speak and sing with people like Glennon and Holly and Laura. I long to give love abundantly. I long to have what I need. I wish to never again say “I can’t” to anything.
These are big shoes and I want to fill them. I can fill them.
Where to now my love? What would you have me do right now, in this moment, to step into all that I long for? All that you ask of me? You did not place this longing in my heart for me to suffer the lack of it. To suffer longing but never belonging to myself. You gave me these longings to draw me in, into my purpose in this lifetime. Where is the next miracle my love? What now?